DAY SIX: The Power Of Poop

As day six draws to a close I am still shocked at how much I'm still aghem... letting go of. How is it possible that six days after having mind boggling loose movements that I'm still passing anything other than liquids? And the answer is... My friends are right... I must be full of S#$T! Honestly it's kinda freakin me out. Last night right on the money between 2 and 3 am I was back in the bathroom crampin like I had the worst food poisoning ever. And as always I got my trusty companion, my heating pad, out and eased out the cramps after having another unfortunate meeting with the toilet. Somewhat into the morning hours (at least until 7 am) I was still cramping and had been at work fork a good 3 hours already which was just awful. Trying to cannulate patients when all you can think about it how you might just crap your scrubs in front of them is quite the challenge. It made me realize just how powerful poo is. Powerful enough to move a grown man to tears, and in some cases vile enough to make some vomit. Poo is the superhero of our bodies system to rid us of waste. And apparently I had enough waste in me to make anyone feel sick, and it's still coming! Another tough day in the food challenge department today. A rep bought Pappasitos for everyone in the clinic today for lunch with all the fixings and huge chunks of cheesecake. I could smell it from the dialysis floor. Brutal...I made my glass of MC lemonade and made my escape outside so I didn't have to stare temptation right in the face. I made it, but a part of me really wanted just to dig my finger right into a bowl of guacamole and lick it all off. Glad I didn't. Then my Granny got tortilla soup from my favorite little mexican joint La Esquinita, I even went so far as to text my mom and ask her (as if I didn't already know the answer) if it would be okay to have just a sip of the broth. Yeah, that was a negatory. Thanks for backin me up and keeping me strong MOM. lol. Then we went to a fish fry, geeze I really feel glutton for punishment today. But to my surprise I made it. I'm now laying in bed, already chugged my smooth move, dreading when nature calls between 2-3 where once again I tell my toilet "we've gotta stop meeting like this". Tomorrow evening I'm considering the Salt Water Flush just to get a taste for something else. And to see if I can't completely rid my bowels of the left over excrement before my 10 days are up. Health wise I feel AMAZING, energy wise I feel renewed, my blood pressure went down and my blood sugars are perfect. So glad I'm putting myself through this torture. And so Kira's graduation from Kinder is tomorrow; lets just hope the power of poop doesn't leave me incapacitated to where I can't enjoy it. :)

DAY FIVE: The Lone Poop Ranger

It's official... I'm the Lone Poop Ranger on my trail to a healthier me. Venessa dropped out yesterday and left me to go this road alone. :( My support team fell apart, and my life kinda fell apart,but the MC is the one thing I have control of for now; so I'm taking pride in riding this trail until the cows come home. Today was a new challenge, since starting the cleanse I haven't had to partake in the act of social eating. I steered clear of restaurants and areas where large groups of people were eating to avoid the delicious smell of temptation wafting around me. Today that was completely unavoidable. Our class completed our training and US Renal bought us all lunch, the rest of the group chose Red Lobster (of course sea food my most evil rival) and I'm so glad the waitress was really cool and allowed me to bring my MC supplies in so I could make me a delicious glass of... OH WAIT HERE IT COMES... oh yeah MC lemonade. BOOOOORRRINNGG. I'm so tired of the flavor. But what is true is that it seems my sense of smell has increased to super hero strength and every plate that wafted by my table tantalized my senses once more. But once again my "keep trudging" mentality kept me on task. My sense of smell isn't the only thing that's increased I can taste very obviously the subtle differences in water, which is kinda cool. Perhaps through the master cleanse I am turning into some kind of weird super hero. At the table today I watched my cohorts pack them selves full of food, salads, rolls, sea food, broccoli, cheese cake, and thought man they must be stuffed, but they kept putting it in. At one point I told my friend next to me... hold up your fist...and instructed him to hold it over his plate. I explained that's about the size of your stomach, we're you eating because you were hungry or because it was on your plate? And he looked at me and got it. In a recent documentary I watched on obesity one of things it addressed is peoples naivety when it came to portions. Because that's the serving we're provided with we automatically assume well if they're giving it to us then that must be okay to eat. What's true is our portions have grown radically out of control. For example the documentary used McDonalds:

A typical adult on a weight conscious diet on average will consume 1300 calories a day.

A kids meal at McDonalds (which truthfully is more than filling) contains an excess of 700 calories alone (more than half of your daily value)

But most people don't think in terms of less is more... in our current culture MORE is MORE.

So just in comparison an adult Quarter Pounder with Cheese Meal (which usually leaves me almost unable to breathe from being so full) has a whopping 1700 calories. That's 400 calories more than most peoples daily suggested value. IN ONE MEAL. Not to mention all of the complex changes the foods been through to make it edible that your body doesn't recognize. Guess what your body does with these genetically modified foods... it stores it in random places in your body until one day you no longer recognize your body in the mirror. Food vent over.... Promise.

Smooth Move shook me awake again last night, at 2 am this time. I looked at my toilet in the wee hours and said quite frankly "we gotta stop meeting like this". But it gives me one more day to stave off having to do the SWF so I am happy for the results. One of the other awesome things I've noticed now on day 5 is how soft and supple my skin has become, there has been an obvious change in its texture and I could not be more pleased. Energy is great, no headaches, no complaints except for the desire for the taste of something else. I promise I will do the salt water cleanse at least once within the next 5 days so I can give some insight into what that's like as well. I'm just not prepared for it yet lol. Work tomorrow so I'll be chugging my morning glass of MC lemonade at 4 am. Got a lot to do between now and my old lady bed time, so for now the Lone Poop Ranger is riding off into the sunset and the end of DAY FIVE! YIPEEEE

DAY FOUR: Bubble Gut

My tummy is a rumbly angry concoction of lemonade and water that is screaming out for food today. After the third day it's supposed to be smooth sailing but today I literally want to eat everything in sight, even cat food looks appealing. Thanks to Smooth Move I was awoken again last night with the most horrible cramps ever, ran to the toilet around 3 am and persisted to stay there until I was sure it was safe. Got the heating pad back out again and curled up in a little ball. I'm pretty tired. Mentally not physically though. I feel good health wise, but hungry none-the-less I'm pretty sure I was addicted to food. As I'm working through an emotional part of my life right now, I realize just how much I leaned on food to make me feel better, and fill that void. If I was bored... I would eat, watching tv.... I would eat, upset about something.... I would eat. Whether I was hungry or not I was packing my stomach with something that tasted good to make whatever I was going through seem not so bad. I would eat socially even though I wasn't hungry because everyone else was. If there was food on the plate I wanted it. It's funny because before I couldn't tell the difference between being hungry and being thirsty and got them both confused and most often shoved more food in my mouth when I should have been drinking water. I would put so much food in me I literally found it hard to breathe. This detox while difficult and challenging, has put so much of that into perspective. You don't need the massive portions our society is so accustomed to to be happy and feel good, small portions of any kind of food combined with healthy exercise is all it takes to keep from getting to where I was a week ago. I'm so glad I've started this and as much I want to quit I'm going to keep going. After I come off I'm going to try to stop using food and alcohol as a crutch to help me fight my emotional battles. Maybe we could all have that mentality. It would be healthy.

Smooth Sailing

So day three is done....almost. Except for my super tasty oh so wonderfully disgusting Smooth Move tea. Ahhh just one of the many things I actually look forward to on this detox, the taste of something else. I don't know if anyone else who has done it gets super bored with the flavor but lord knows I am. I need some variety. So last night I made an attempt to go out on the MC (master cleanse). My bottled water was super tasty and I got so water wasted last night it was crazy. haha jk But near close to midnight my head, my tummy, and my bowels could take no more, it was ready for bed and I knew it. So I made my exit and steeped my tea for 15 minutes (just like the packet says) and chugged it as fast as I could. (still hate black licorice incase anyone was wondering). This morning and afternoon the bowel expulsions weren't as intense as yesterday, and I am getting sure that there can't possibly be much left. But none the less it's still coming. Just not as powerful as yesterday. My stomach is a bit upset today probably more so because of my own personal life and less from the diet. I'm not as hungry today as I had been, but that could also be from the issues at hand. Today is supposed to be the benchmark though, get passed the third day and it's smooth sailing. I'm starting to feel like that's pretty accurate as I'm not feeling half as bad as the first two days. So three down, seven to go. Feeling pretty confident, and those jeans I couldn't fit into anymore fit again (still a little snug) but they're going over my thighs (praise the Lord) Tonight my daughter wanted pizza, sure smelled good, I was so tempted to take just the smallest nibble, but thank God for my hard head, because I still haven't strayed. My partner in crime for the detox, Venessa has been on the straight and narrow as well. She hadn't been using the porcelain throne as I had been though, so yesterday she resorted to the salt water flush. She said that she had to take really slow deep breaths to keep herself from vomiting it back up. But it did the trick. She's using a different kind of laxative tea than I am and I don't believe hers is quite as effective as mine is. Perhaps she can switch it up to mine and see if she notices a difference. I'm ready for day 4 tomorrow, its a new day and a new opportunity to cleanse myself from the inside out. I'm almost out of supplies though, barely enough to get me through tomorrow so I'll have to find a way to run to Sun Harvest after class and then make it home in time to grab the kiddo, can't run out now!!! I've only been on it for 3 days, and had 6 drinks a day but yet I have almost gone through an entire 2lb bottle of organic syrup. YIKES. My tea is done steeping and I'm ready to chug and go to bed to start a new day tomorrow.

HOLY SHART!

So last night after a few hours of sleep I awoke with the worst stomach/bowel cramps ever. And near 3 in the morning I raced for the ceramic throne destined to be mine for the next hour or so. As queen of my throne I sat grimacing, half ready to throw up from the horrible cramping. After fully expending the left overs (or so I thought) I heated up my lovie in the microwave and eased the cramping away with the gentle heat. But as I walked by the mirror... wait who was that super skinny chick? Oh snap it was me. I was half ready to give up last night, not knowing if the explosive shits was something a person of my royal stature should have to live through another night. But after seeing how well my shirt fit me again, I thought, ehhhh, what's 9 more days lol. The things women do to them selves to fit in their clothes again!!! LOL. So I woke up this morning still cramping a bit, but it could be my stomach shrinking again. I don't remember it being this bad last time. (I must have been really full of it lol). I have most of my energy though which feels great! And no headache at all! Yipeee. The kiddo was sitting outside having her version of a yard sale to make money for her horse she wants to purchase and as I sat watching her, I broke the Cardinal RULE!!! If you refer to my pre-cleanse blog, I mentioned not letting a "poof" "fart" "toot" or a "fluff" out for the ramifications were serious. Yeah, sitting there watching Kira play I forgot where I was for a bit. And casually let one go, suddenly I realized this was no simple "fluff" this was a massive expenditure of what remained in my bowels, I jump up screaming and run in the house while my daughter is chasing me in the house screaming too, "don't leave Miss! You're my only customer" it wasn't until I got in the restroom and finished the job on my throne once again that Kira realized something bigger than her yard sale was happening and she casually acquiesces herself out of the restroom. I immediately text my last friend still on the cleanse to fill her in on what had just happened and she hasn't even gone to the bathroom yet all day. :( Perhaps my nasty licorice laxative very UN-SMOOTH MOVE tea really does the job. I may just get my wish for no SWF (salt water flush) after-all if it keeps up at this pace. Hoping to just lay around and be lazy today, something tells me this is not an option but my tummy does seem rather upset. Staying strong for now, Will update with details this evening.

Day ONE aka Return of the Squirts.

So I just finished my first day on the cleanse. I woke up and chugged my first cool and crisp glass, and within ten minutes I was bound for the bathroom. Holy CRAP. No, literally. This one wasn't what I had to look forward to for the rest of the cleanse for sure though because it was mostly solid. One thing about the cleanse is that since you aren't taking in any fiber or solids you really shouldn't expect anything solid to come out, but my left over tuna sandwich had to make its way out eventually. Regardless it was still pretty brutal. There we're several more runs for the bathroom at work during my 12 hours shift and each one got "runnier" so to speak. And I made the mistake of putting waaaaaay too much cayenne pepper in my first glass, about mid way through the day I felt when that made its way out. Burnt as much coming out as it did going in. (for 30 minutes or the entirety of my lunch break) So I made it through most of the day without any huge withdraws like the last time I did it. Last time I had been miserable, weak, starving, and had the worst headache. My boyfriend can attest to one thing though, I was crabby. Didn't help that he cooked something that smelled absolutely delicious, which just exacerbated my desire to eat something solid. Or when I had to make dinner for my 5 year old, who absolutely cannot wrap her head around why I wouldn't want to eat something real. She keeps asking me if I want her to make me something to eat. LOL. My insides scream yes give me food, my brain is keeping me on task. So by the end of the day, Terry had already dropped out after a few hours, and Venessa was jumping around like a kid on a sugar high! She also lost something like 3 pounds the first day. Which would put anyone on cloud nine! I have a bit of headache right now, and am thankful its a Friday and I have all weekend to get over the hardest part of the cleanse. P.S. the smooth move tea smells and tastes like black licorice. I HATE black licorice, so after being kinda nauseous this evening drinking that tea didn't help much. I'm so ready for bed, hopefully my energy and my stomach will have somewhat gotten back to normal. Looking forward to another day towards a new me! 9 more to go!

YES I'M CRAZY (pre-master cleanse)

So it's the day before I take the plunge into the world renowned and holistic method of detox, better known as the Master Cleanse. For those of you who are not familiar with it, its an intense liquid diet with nothing more than a few organic ingredients, a laxative tea, and if you get really lucky a salt water flush or two (sarcasm doesn't transfer well into writing so I'll just insert here that its pretty awful). My old friend Becca got me started on it 3 years ago, and it's been there in the back of my mind telling me that times up for another attempt at it. Today I went to Sun Harvest to purchase all of my ORGANIC ingredients to ensure it works to its full potential. If you've never done it, or heard of it, there are many online resources to help you make an educated decision if the master cleanse is right for you. I read the original book and I highly suggest it to anyone so you can appreciate the science behind it and why it works. www.themastercleanse.org is a great site to visit for insights and do's and don'ts. This blog is simply my opinion and an honest answer of what it's really like to trudge through this insanity. If you don't like my opinion you don't have to read it, but I assure you it will be filled with hilarious personal experiences that will make your attempt at the cleanse not seem so abnormal.

The directions are simple, you don't eat or drink anything other than the lemonade concoction in the amounts of 6-12 8 oz glasses a day, supplemented with water, and the nightly laxative teas. The high caloric value in the ingredients keeps you from literally starving, as many think you will, which is just not true. I know people that have done it for months without so much as any kind of side effect (except for a thinner waist line, and new healthy outlook on life) Do you crave food? HELL YES! Is it easy? HELL NO! But the end result is so worth it.

Interested? Well first off the ingredients aren't cheap but in comparison to how much we spend on our food intake on a daily basis it more than balances its self out. One huge thing that can make taking on the detox easier is a support group, find a group of friends that you can share your experiences with and lean on for support when you feel like you can't do it anymore. I've got two other girls who are on the challenge with me Terry and Venessa. They are both diligent about wanting to try it. So we shall see how they do! :)

Curious about this magical concoction? The ingredients are as follows...

• 2 Tablespoons Fresh Lemon Juice
• 2 Tablespoons Rich Grade B Maple Syrup
• 1/10 Teaspoon Cayenne Pepper Powder – or to taste (as much as you can stand)
• 8 ounces (250 milliliters of Pure Water)

It actually tastes pretty good, and is very refreshing. If you have a huge taste aversion to lemons then organic limes can be used as well. I like the lime taste better but the enzymes in the lemon's are stronger so I'm sticking to the original recipe this time. I'm looking for a real thorough detox this time around. I've gained 20 pounds in 6 months mostly to blame for my insane amount of beer/fried food intake. Processed foods haven't helped much either. So this is an opportunity to start over again. Hopefully my liver can forgive me.

Other than the lemonade you drink an organic laxative tea every evening, which will kick start the bowels into poopin out all the toxins you have in your body every morning. Making bowel movement's every single morning is an important part of the process, if you find that you aren't moving your bowels (and if your diet is all liquids you can imagine what's coming out) then a salt water flush (aka SWF) is necessary. And those my friend are NOT fun. You have to do it on an empty stomach and chug a liter of water with 2 tsp of sea salt dissolved in it. Within 30-60 minutes you will have a come to Jesus meeting with your toilet. NO JOKE. But it cleans your system out like you would not believe. P.S. I've learned from experience do not even attempt to let even the smallest little "poof" "fart" "toot" or "fluff" out! YOU and your underwear will regret it (and whoever does your laundry).

So tomorrow is my first day, I'm going to savor my last few bites of my tuna sandwich and chug my first glass of laxative tea the brand I chose is called SMOOTH MOVE (ahahahah) which I hope is really effective because I don't want to do the SWF. There's a whole way to slowly break yourself down to a liquid diet before starting the cleanse it can be found in the book and on the website, but I simply began 4 days in advance by drinking nothing but water and decreasing my portion sizes to adjust my stomach to eating less. Lets hope it works, because last time the caffeine come down was brutal. Headaches galore. Well I'm off to bed getting up for work at 4 am tomorrow so I'll have my first glass down before sun up! Sweet dreams!